Who is That Girl?

As I was pulling into my driveway this weekend I saw Jody and a pretty young girl standing out by his truck. She had long brown hair and a cute little figure. She stood almost as tall as Jody, dressed in a pair of "hip" jeans and adorable pair of boots. Who is this girl?? As I got closer my heart sank, it was Carson. You know how sometimes as a mom we see our kids all the time, but we don't really "see them"?!? This was one of those moments. The reality that my sweet baby is growing up fell on me hard. I am entering a new stage of motherhood. Gone are the days that she wants me to rock her and watch Barney while she drinks chocolate milk from a sippie cup. She can now make herself anything she wants to eat or drink. I can no longer give her a bath. She takes her own showers, washes her hair, and shaves under her arms. I don't pick out her clothes any more. She has her own opinion of what she likes and what makes her feel beautiful. She also washes them herself and can put them all away. We now spend our time talking about her friends, school, and how her body is changing instead of vegged out in the floor playing "Candyland" with her small fingers rubbing my ear.

I remember when she was born feeling very intimidated and fearful. Can I do this? I have never been a mom before. Can I give her everything she needs? Why is she crying? Is she sick? Should I call the doctor? Why won't she sleep? And then gradually, day by day, I figured it out. I don't question myself any more about caring for the basic needs of a baby. But now I find myself questioning myself all over again. Fear creeps in often and I feel unequipped to mother a pre-teen. I don't even know that I want to. I want my baby girl back?!? But even as I type that I am reminded that she is not mine, none of them are. They are His. This is His plan, not mine. I am just His vessel! So I will trudge on!! I will continue buying her new bras and we will keep talking about "that boy," her first crush (yes she has one....I have been sworn to secrecy)! Everyday I will ask for His help and an extra dose of grace and mercy to cover me when I mess up! Boy, am I going to need it!!